I have had a diabolical week with massive mood crash, the most distressed I have been since 2017. Quit a job. In the process of moving after my parents disapproved of me publishing my book. Attacked by trolls. The first reviews are starting to come in for my debut novel, Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice. Available as an e-book and print-on-demand (which was better quality than I expected).
Created in New Zealand. Printed in the USA. I was in a mood crash with bipolar 1 disorder with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and had just quit one of my jobs as too overwhelmed. I opened the parcel on camera (while a mess). This is what I saw: Snowball peeking out of the box!
Below is Chapter 1 - No Rainbow Bridge from Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice by Xanthe Wyse. Pet Purpose is a pet-themed novel about a character with bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from childhood sexual abuse trauma. Navigating love and loss, trying to make sense of suffering.
I finally published Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice. Sold a dozen copies online via Amazon from social media interest. Not a huge number, but got to start somewhere, right? Pet Purpose is a pet-themed semi-autobiographical novel with a character who is navigating love and loss with bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). So a character who shares my diagnoses.
I screenshot some initial reactions/responses from 3 readers giving feedback from Twitter. Even though they tweeted publicly, I cropped out their details:
This is the one page artist's statement I wrote to go on the wall for my art as therapy exhibition, Speak, in 2020. With some of the artworks.
Speak is a second solo art as therapy exhibition by Xanthe Wyse. Xanthe’s first art as therapy exhibition, Spinning Orbit, was two years ago. Spinning Orbit was messy, raw and intense artwork to help calm Xanthe’s mind while on a challenging journey towards stabilising bipolar disorder with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Below is what I had written on the 'about' section of my website which I am updating. It has a tiny bit of my story and why I do what I do - making my own meaning and purpose keeps me going.
Bipolar Courage is a blog of insights and art by Xanthe Wyse from New Zealand. Xanthe has been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and social anxiety disorder. Xanthe started Bipolar Courage when she was feeling down and feeling like she needed a new sense of purpose to keep her going. Having a meaningful project is one of the ways that Xanthe keeps going despite at times overwhelming challenges and struggle.
I started Bipolar Courage during a depressive episode with bipolar and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Below is what I had on my home page of this website. I have decided to update the home page, yet keep what I wrote, now as a blog post. It's in the third person.
It takes courage to live with bipolar disorder and the effects of trauma. Bipolar Courage is a blog and art by Xanthe Wyse who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (type 1), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and social anxiety disorder. Courage is facing overwhelming challenges and pain despite the presence of fear. Whereas bravery is is facing danger without fear. Courage is a determination to keep going despite limitations. Courage is a state of mind that the struggle and cause is worth it.
Below is a painting I did a few years ago, processing in an elevated/mixed mood episode with bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Hot Air: Rise Above It. I wrote a story to go with it, intended as children's stories but it is also for adults. I might develop it further if I want something to do (already have lots of creative projects). I have published exactly how I wrote it in a single session including notes and mistakes below (with no alterations). This is the first draft that hasn't been composted yet. The story came to me after doing the painting.
I found a copy of an award-winning essay when I was looking amongst my paper documents. I thought it had been deleted forever. I wrote it when I was struggling with chronic physical and psychological pain. My diagnoses at the time were treatment resistant major depressive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, fibromyalgia. Later changed to bipolar disorder (type 1), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder, coeliac disease (after this essay). Plus various other health conditions.
I won third prize in an Australasian essay writing competition by The Black Dog Institute in 2008. My first and only trip to Sydney. I destroyed the trophy during a mania episode as I was disappointed getting third prize plus it had my former name on it. I had changed my name to Xanthe Wyse after more trauma.
Today, I was merchandising toys and stopped to stare for several seconds at a new shiny Thomas the Tank engine anniversary toy. My son was obsessed with Thomas when he was little. The metaphor in the essay was partly inspired by his love of trains. I have typed the essay below and also linked a video of me reading it out.
I wrote about burnout and a breakdown as a metaphor so no-one could be sure it was about me. Then I chose Xanthe Wyse as a blogging name (blogs deleted after making it my legal name). Xanthe was the start of me having a voice. Now, 12 years later, I've nearly finished my first novel, Pet Purpose.
Xanthe finds creative expression including writing and painting to be therapeutic and helps her to manage her diagnoses of bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).