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Recently, in a hypomania episode, I prepared a bipolar mania perspectives resource. The reason I call it that, is because I found had records from several different perspectives of a mania episode. Including speaking on camera, writing at the time, psychiatrist notes, artworks, making sense of it later with writing. The resource can be downloaded as a pdf, below. It will be best viewed on a laptop as a digital file (not printed). My attempt to convert to EPub format didn't work out (images did weird things), so I have copied and pasted the content into this blog post, for a flow on version for those with smaller mobile devices. 
 Embracing colour. Nail polish on board by Xanthe Wyse. perspectives of a mania episode in 2017Different perspectives, during (on video, writing, art), psychiatrist’s view, after a big mania episode in 2017. I’d rejected the bipolar disorder diagnosis (given in 2015 during a psychiatric unit inpatient stay while on antidepressants). I then stopped the new medications (“toxic drugs”, I saw them as), as I was chronically depressed. Initially, I felt improvement off medications, as I am very sensitive to side effects and was also unable to express emotions and process trauma. Still had ongoing anxiety. Had not started treatment for PTSD at this time. Meds alone could not manage the mood instability and anxiety that happened when starting to process trauma. Middle-aged female, looking younger than actual age. Seen by multiple psychiatrists and psychologists. Combination analytical-creative thinker. DiagnosesRelevant diagnoses as at May 2023:
5 July 2017 videoVideo for vlog, Bipolar Courage (YouTube), in denial of bipolar disorder diagnosis and insisting that have Aspergers Syndrome (autism spectrum) instead. Bipolar mania, insisting that autistic, days before sedated by psychiatrist (2017) (video also linked here) Mania with body still quite frozen speaking on the video but still more animated than usual.Talking faster (pressure of speech), laughing frequently, no filter, speaking of recent events. Trances, dancing in the street, had been speeding, had flirted to get out of a ticket, seemed more outgoing, tangents (flight of ideas). Had started to process trauma creatively because things spun out of control. Just days before anxiety became extreme, with PTSD constantly activated, needed to destroy objects to try relieve anxiety, unable to sleep/rest. Note: do not usually smile, rarely laugh and am not usually very expressive with face. 9 July 2017 email extractNote: the fixation with curses was my childhood upbringing, causing me anxiety. Might sound like a jumble but it’s all memories mashed together when extremely anxious when PTSD constantly activated. Is slightly censored to remove a few words/names. “I am doing everything I can to break the curse of death. I predicted the... neighbour ... dying and a shit load of crap has happened since and I know what objects are cursed. I know it might sound crazy but please do what I asked in those text messages. Have L dunk the tiger's eye pendant & silver bracelet in water. Burn the card. Smash the pendant. Destroy the silver bracelet (I feel yours is cursed too). L has the gift like I do. Have him sprinkle water on the car. The car was cursed too - I've gotten rid of those damned number plates after soaking them. My current car is also cursed. It's in for repairs and I still need to get rid of an angel hanging on the window - an angel of death - the car was parked in the neighbour's carport and he collapsed in the shower like I did. I didn't believe in this stuff before because I didn't want to but I've seen it now. It's mostly to do with that damned cat port bottle bought from an ex-funeral place riddled with bad spirits. Plus that tiger photo which was above the bed. I didn't believe in curses etc before because I didn't want to because I was too afraid of my gift. M has the same gift as me but not as clear. L has a gift of wisdom.” 10 July 2017 extract psychiatrist file note:“...urgent appointment today due to some relapse signs due to sleep deprivation. X has not slept well in quite a time now. When she was seen today she presented with some pressure of speech, some flight of ideas, some grandiose ideas, she was of the opinion that she has “prophetic abilities, she does see things coming up”. She also sees a lot of patterns which could be identified as thoughts of reference. She agrees she doesn’t sleep well... ...reports increased levels of anxiety and doesn’t want to experience what she calls “a nervous breakdown”. X seems quite distressed, her mother confirms that she has been doing well for more than a year since coming off medication but lately some past traumas were keeping her busy and seem to negatively influence her mental stability. The outcome today was that we will quickly intervene with QUETIAPINE which is sedative to regulate her sleep and as well as a mood stabiliser.” June – July 2017 compilation videoFrom my vlog, Bipolar Courage: Bipolar mania episode on camera. Bipolar type 1 & PTSD (2017). (Video also linked here). Showing elevation into mania over 1 month. The beginning was just after seizures from the extreme hyperarousal energy, which temporarily discharged the energy. The destroying symbolic objects was creatively processing trauma. Could feel the hyperarousal energy but outwardly looked relatively calm. I didn’t record when became extremely anxious (too busy destroying objects). 2017 mania event woven into storytellingThese sections are memoir, in a book with fiction and memoir woven together (gave the main character same main diagnoses of bipolar 1 disorder and PTSD). Put together events afterwards and gave the character the same triggers and same reason for changing name. Published in 2021. My most challenging writing project to date. Extracts from Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice. Pet Purpose is available on Amazon as print and e-book and on all major e-book distributors for a low price.   Pet Purpose shows the big picture plus complexities. It was written in hypomania episodes and took 7 years to complete. I also wrote what the experience of the seizures was like from the inside. Writing in mania despite meds (August 2017)This was mania, despite going back on meds. The apparent ‘nonsense’ of loose associations is actually memories linked to trauma triggers. Gave up typing full sentences, as brain was racing too fast. They also became potential themes woven into my novel (in a way that made sense to the reader). I used the links and associations to create my process art (writing, painting, sculptures).   2017 Visual mind map PaintingMedications sedated by didn’t stop the racing thoughts. So I painted them. This is a visual mindmap which helped me to organise writing Pet Purpose (which was written out of order then rewritten so readers can’t tell). I went into a meditative trance painting and it helped sort the main themes without requiring cognition. I could paint heavily sedated, not able to organise words into sentences.  Rainbow Pi from a Black Whole, acrylics & mixed media on mdf Mania mood selfiesOn meds, still having mania. Listened to music constantly to relieve anxiety. Painted nails bright colours, even though don’t usually wear nail polish. Layers upon layers of different colours. Mesmerised with rainbows etc. (Symbolism).
Mania journal entries
 Loose mind map with links & associations for creative process Mania paintingsThe more elevated, the messier and more intense the painting. Represents how brain felt:  Spinning Orbit, acrylics on canvas paper Represents how felt with hyperarousal from mania with shutdown with PTSD:  Eruption Under the Sea, garage paints on cardboard Recall was listening to ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ (Queen):  Outer Space High, garage paints on cardboard LinksThis resource may be distributed free for anyone who wants to learn more about bipolar mania from someone who has experienced it. Bipolar Courage website (with art, blog, books about bipolar disorder, PTSD inspired by own experiences). Bipolar Courage is also the name of a book I expect to publish in 2023. bipolarcourage.com Soar Purpose website is my new hub for creative expression leaving behind advocacy journey. Art, photography, blog, books etc. soarpurpose.com Will be focussing my efforts into Soar Purpose going forward. Will leave up Bipolar Courage blog and vlog as a resource for now. Copyright, Xanthe Wyse, Bipolar Courage, Soar Purpose, 2023
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Xanthe WyseI am no longer blogging or vlogging as a mental health and disability advocate. The politics of it is too toxic for me. Archives
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