The lyrics 'I get knocked down but I get up again' from the song Tubthumbing by Chumbawamba came to mind after I watched back a video I recorded in 2017 when I was struggling. At that time, my psychiatrist said, 'I'm doing my best to keep you alive right now'.

It was rough. Rapid cycling from mania then crashing into depression. I was unable to drive, unable to prepare a basic meal, unable to work at all. Now I can drive when I am up to it on quieter roads, can work around 8 hours per week, can usually prepare basic meals.

[1 June 2023 update: "It's my blog and I'll write if I want to...you would cry/laugh/write too if it happened to you" (my take on 'It's my Party'). Basically, I end up laughing and writing about some of the drama, as it's so ridiculous. This is a minimally edited version.

I have censored my previous first name in this post. It is abusive to keep using it. I have confirmed that even just using my old first name connected to my current legal name is enough to lead straight back to a public record that links to the business that leads to the main harrasser. So every time she doxxes me, she's doxxing herself, including her residential address. I can't be bothered right now to edit this blog post to make it briefer & to fix clumsy grammar, but going foward, I will not mention my former first name. I won't be bothered naming even by first name of any of these others that keep on keeping on with this drama. It's sh!tting in your own nests, naming me with threats, as depending on how good your research skills are, public records I can't remove link to my ex. Unfortunately, changing one's name legally (for survival in my case) does not completely remove them from cling-ons. It's how business laws are set up. Rise above it like the phoenix].

"It's my party" (Lesley Gore) is my earworm so I am listening to it as I write this post. On this old blog that I have been leaving behind to fly away from the drama that never ends. If stay silent, the abuse continues. If say something, the abuse continues. This blog post is dedicated to Chloe and her pals Charlie and Julz (Charlie and Julz used to be my pals, or so I thought). Julz's obsession and public abuse of me has gone on for 8 years.

Recently, I deleted the cesspool of thousands of screenshots from a single incident lasting several days. Abuse from strangers in an orchestrated pile-on that Charlie approved of. I didn't however delete the abuse from Julz (hundreds of public screenshots over years). Unfortunately, I can't do much about her, legally, even though the police said her ongoing harrassment is abuse. Given I have been made the scapegoat repeatedly (accused of being a bully and a liar by those doing the bullying and lying), I have written a few blogs post about the rubbish that goes down.

Content warning: This blogpost has content that may be triggering.

Update: I have been doxxed and swatted this past week. Doxxing is releasing personal identifying information with malicious intent. Swatting is is criminal harrassment intimidation tactic of sending police to someone's home. I've committed no crimes and the constable even apologised that he had to make the call.

I've been sitting on a cesspool of screenshots from mob cyberbullying I experienced by neurodiversity ideology extremists. in August and September 2021. It was the worst some said they had ever seen. Turned out I had way over 2,000 abusive screenshots from this time, which I have narrowed down to approximately 100. It was triggering to go through them.

I decided, as I turn my back on advocacy (including mental health, autism spectrum, disability), that I will upload some of the screenshots here. I don't want to include this triggering content into the memoir I am working on. I risk fallout sharing this. Any drama that might happen as a result, I am not engaging with, going forward. 
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I have been through a stressful process of being assessed for impairment for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) for the purposes of lump sum payment as compensation. For what is called sensitive claims (includes sexual abuse trauma etc) with ACC in New Zealand.

This can only be done after having therapy to treat the PTSD as much as possible. A lot of people pull out of the process. 

I spent most of my spare time today editing the captions for this video (after I finally figured out how to do it). I copied a transcript below. It shows that my communication has impairment. I was dissociating somewhat when recording the video, which affected my cognition, processing and verbal communication. It can be much worse.

​People have confused my disabilities with autism. Trolls on social media targeted me mainly because I accept my diagnoses from my clinicians (bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder) and mild social anxiety disorder and no longer call myself autistic. I am mostly affected by PTSD in this particular video.

It takes me a long time to write and edit to try to be clear, so abusive trolls who accused me of being ableist were being ableist themselves.

Update: my psychologist said I was in a mixed episode in this video, with loose associations and difficulty with my cognition and speech (some slurring).

​[Update: I still won't call myself 'autistic', after a psychiatrist has since formally diagnosed me with pervasive developmental disorder - not otherwise specified, PDD-NOS, with clinically significant autism spectrum features since childhood (including mutism). PDD-NOS is still a current diagnosis in New Zealand.]

I recently published a memoir, Bipolar Cringe, about the hypersexuality at the end of a marriage (open in final year). Written, at the time, before I was diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I published it minimally edited so that it was still raw.

For the past few years, I have been subjected to targeted harassment because I no longer identify as autistic. When I wrote the memoir, I identified as Aspie/Aspergers and autistic. Social justice warriors on Twitter took offence over their identify politics and targeted my book with malicious reviews. This was part of a massive mob cyberbullying attack by strangers. The following screenshots are only a small sample of the abuse.

[Update: I still won't call myself 'autistic', after a psychiatrist has since formally diagnosed me with pervasive developmental disorder - not otherwise specified, PDD-NOS, with clinically significant autism spectrum features since childhood (including mutism). PDD-NOS is still a current diagnosis in New Zealand. Part of the reason I don't call myself autistic, is because I consider myself mildly affected in adulthood plus I don't want to be associated with what I call fraudtistics.]

This was one of the many insults, when I supported an autistic woman with different political views to the mob:

Dogpiling is a form of cyberbullying, when a large number of accounts target one post or person. This can happen very easily on Twitter. It has happened to me many times, escalating because I decided to navigate back through the abusive crap to see where the sources of it were from. Usually, I would recommend on Twitter to lock up an account temporarily until the abusive accounts move on like a swarm of locusts. The image below has some of the names I was called by strangers because I didn't share the same identity politics. I screenshot and blocked an estimated 100 accounts in a short time (days). I am sitting on a cesspool of over 1000 screenshots related to the recent abuse, which has actually gone on for a few years.

Content warning: The content of this post may be triggering for some.

I have been the target of a very aggressive cyberbullying campaign that has gone on for over two years, escalating recently when I called out some of the behaviour. It is over identity politics. These are only a few screenshots of accounts on Twitter who lied about me and harrassed me and called me the abuser, when they were abusing. I was tagged labels such as 'bigot' and 'transphobic' for more bullies to attack.

When my account was locked, I admitted to my followers that I had severe suicidal ideation. I have experienced this many times. I am diagnosed bioplar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder - all activated with the recent cyberbulling campaign. My admission of suicidal ideation was leaked and mocked by accounts I had blocked who were lying and gossiping about me.

What it boiled down to, is that accounts claiming to be 'actually autistic' were mad at me because I no longer call myself autistic. One of the reasons I don't, is because I don't want to be associated with the fraudtistics and bullies.

[Update: I still won't call myself 'autistic', after a psychiatrist has since formally diagnosed me with pervasive developmental disorder - not otherwise specified, PDD-NOS, with clinically significant autism spectrum features since childhood (including mutism). PDD-NOS is still a current diagnosis in New Zealand.]