My enemies made me stronger
The lyrics 'I get knocked down but I get up again' from the song Tubthumbing by Chumbawamba came to mind after I watched back a video I recorded in 2017 when I was struggling. At that time, my psychiatrist said, 'I'm doing my best to keep you alive right now'.
It was rough. Rapid cycling from mania then crashing into depression. I was unable to drive, unable to prepare a basic meal, unable to work at all. Now I can drive when I am up to it on quieter roads, can work around 8 hours per week, can usually prepare basic meals.
I wasn't going to make further posts on this blog but as there is some current online drama, I thought I would comment. Related to the collaboration post 'How to spot a fake autistic' by Shell Spectrum and myself. The post might sound like parody but it was actual observations of what I call 'fraudtistics' (those who claim to be diagnosed autistic, or somehow get an unconvincing diagnosis, after admitting no issues for years, then using this claimed diagnosis as clout, to make money from exploiting vulnerable people in online communities).
The improvised painting below was to cope with the stress of this ridiculous drama. Supersonic: flying away from toxic 'advocacy' faster than the speed of sound. With a sonic boom on the way out.
How to Spot a Fake Autistic
This post is a collaboration with an advocate in the UK who goes by Shell Spectrum. Shell has a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome (same as my son's childhood diagnosis) and has been advocating online about autism as an autistic woman for over 20 years. She started a list with this title and I have modified it slightly and extended it with her permission. Shell and I are the 'bad autistics' neurodiversity 'autistics' warned you about. Although I would rather see myself as a 'number 1 badass' (after all 'BAD1' was written in my medical records for 'bipolar affective disorder type 1).
I am on the autism spectrum myself, with a diagnosis of pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) but I choose to no longer call myself autistic, nor an autist. (Although neurodiversity advocates insist on calling me both). I had more prominent autism spectrum features in childhood (as did my son) than as an adult.
Shell and I am both critical of the neurodiversity movement, an identity politics ideology, that has ripped off medical conditions and watered them down into common traits. Then evangelised, recruited and indoctrinated people who have no clinically significant impairments since childhood. Many have profitted from this racket. Anyone who criticises this cult will be abused by extremists.
It's already 2 weeks into 2023. I'm not one to make New Year's Resolutions. I'm always a work-in-progress with short-term and longer-term projects to keep me busy. I haven't blogged on here for a while as I have mainly focused on vlogging but I want to move away from that. In this blog post, I will sum up some of the past year and also where I feel I'm headed. I don't make super long goals, as things are pretty unknown for me. I switch from one activity to another, all headed in the same general direction.
I am diagnosed with the shutdown presentation of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), bipolar 1 disorder and mild social anxiety disorder, which multiple strangers online confuse with autism. I have had a lot of abuse online because I no longer call myself autistic, after assessment for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).
I have difficulty with communicating with words. Below is an extract of transcript from a recent video, when I was trying to speak, while dissociating (PTSD):
communication impairment PTSD Bipolar
I spent most of my spare time today editing the captions for this video (after I finally figured out how to do it). I copied a transcript below. It shows that my communication has impairment. I was dissociating somewhat when recording the video, which affected my cognition, processing and verbal communication. It can be much worse.
People have confused my disabilities with autism. Trolls on social media targeted me mainly because I accept my diagnoses from my clinicians (bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder) and mild social anxiety disorder and no longer call myself autistic. I am mostly affected by PTSD in this particular video.
It takes me a long time to write and edit to try to be clear, so abusive trolls who accused me of being ableist were being ableist themselves.
Update: my psychologist said I was in a mixed episode in this video, with loose associations and difficulty with my cognition and speech (some slurring).
[Update: I still won't call myself 'autistic', after a psychiatrist has since formally diagnosed me with pervasive developmental disorder - not otherwise specified, PDD-NOS, with clinically significant autism spectrum features since childhood (including mutism). PDD-NOS is still a current diagnosis in New Zealand.]
MALICIOUS BOOK REVIEWS
I recently published a memoir, Bipolar Cringe, about the hypersexuality at the end of a marriage (open in final year). Written, at the time, before I was diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I published it minimally edited so that it was still raw.
For the past few years, I have been subjected to targeted harassment because I no longer identify as autistic. When I wrote the memoir, I identified as Aspie/Aspergers and autistic. Social justice warriors on Twitter took offence over their identify politics and targeted my book with malicious reviews. This was part of a massive mob cyberbullying attack by strangers. The following screenshots are only a small sample of the abuse.
[Update: I still won't call myself 'autistic', after a psychiatrist has since formally diagnosed me with pervasive developmental disorder - not otherwise specified, PDD-NOS, with clinically significant autism spectrum features since childhood (including mutism). PDD-NOS is still a current diagnosis in New Zealand. Part of the reason I don't call myself autistic, is because I consider myself mildly affected in adulthood plus I don't want to be associated with what I call fraudtistics.]
This was one of the many insults, when I supported an autistic woman with different political views to the mob:
I have bipolar vs I am bipolar
I have seen people say 'I have bipolar' and others say 'I am bipolar.' Is it just semantics?
Or is 'I am' identity language? For example, I could say, 'I am a woman,' and 'I am a Kiwi (New Zealander)' and 'I am a mother' and 'I am an artist' (even though I'm a 'hobby' artist not a 'professional'). I could say 'I am a merchandiser' (working part-time helps my self-esteem).
I am no longer blogging or vlogging as a mental health and disability advocate. The politics of it is too toxic for me.