My enemies made me stronger
The lyrics 'I get knocked down but I get up again' from the song Tubthumbing by Chumbawamba came to mind after I watched back a video I recorded in 2017 when I was struggling. At that time, my psychiatrist said, 'I'm doing my best to keep you alive right now'.
It was rough. Rapid cycling from mania then crashing into depression. I was unable to drive, unable to prepare a basic meal, unable to work at all. Now I can drive when I am up to it on quieter roads, can work around 8 hours per week, can usually prepare basic meals.
Bipolar mania perspectives
Recently, in a hypomania episode, I prepared a bipolar mania perspectives resource. The reason I call it that, is because I found had records from several different perspectives of a mania episode. Including speaking on camera, writing at the time, psychiatrist notes, artworks, making sense of it later with writing.
The resource can be downloaded as a pdf, below. It will be best viewed on a laptop as a digital file (not printed). My attempt to convert to EPub format didn't work out (images did weird things), so I have copied and pasted the content into this blog post, for a flow on version for those with smaller mobile devices.
End on a high - hypomania
I started this blog with a blog post about depression, when I was feeling depressed. Recently, I've been in a hypomania episode and getting some things done for a change. Hypomania is elevated mood that isn't as intense as mania.
With the surge of energy, I made a resource on mania, using records in different formats to show aspects of what it's like. Decided to do this after going through some digital files and I found a mania video from 2017 that I didn't think I'd uploaded yet (but have now, as the final video for Bipolar Courage, even though it's a bit cringe, and an online friend said 'scary' to see me that disinhibited and the opposite of how I usually am).
bipolar mania vs hypomania writing
I am diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). They affect my communication in speech and writing, which become disorganised and hard to follow.
I write best in hypomania episodes (mood elevated but not full mania). When I am fully manic, my writing and speech become incoherent to others, because it is all loose associations, flight of ideas and symbolism. My mind races and my speech is fast (pressure of speech).
Below is my handwriting, which changes in mood episodes. Large and messy when manic. The messiness is mainly because my mind goes fast. I write small when depressed.
MALICIOUS BOOK REVIEWS
I recently published a memoir, Bipolar Cringe, about the hypersexuality at the end of a marriage (open in final year). Written, at the time, before I was diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I published it minimally edited so that it was still raw.
For the past few years, I have been subjected to targeted harassment because I no longer identify as autistic. When I wrote the memoir, I identified as Aspie/Aspergers and autistic. Social justice warriors on Twitter took offence over their identify politics and targeted my book with malicious reviews. This was part of a massive mob cyberbullying attack by strangers. The following screenshots are only a small sample of the abuse.
[Update: I still won't call myself 'autistic', after a psychiatrist has since formally diagnosed me with pervasive developmental disorder - not otherwise specified, PDD-NOS, with clinically significant autism spectrum features since childhood (including mutism). PDD-NOS is still a current diagnosis in New Zealand. Part of the reason I don't call myself autistic, is because I consider myself mildly affected in adulthood plus I don't want to be associated with what I call fraudtistics.]
This was one of the many insults, when I supported an autistic woman with different political views to the mob:
I originally wrote this blog post in December 2018. Reposting here as I won't be renewing the domain name on the other blog. I published my first novel, Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice in 2021.
It's now 8am. Alarm has gone off for me to take my morning meds. Usually I would crash back into a deep sleep. But currently I've been in hypomania and awake since 2am being productive with creative projects. I woke up early a few days ago and typed for 6 hours straight writing the first draft of the final chapter for my semiautobiographical novel, Pet Purpose. Usually I struggle to get out of bed before midday because of how bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and my medication affects me.
I originally wrote this blog post in January 2019 on another blog. Moved to here after deciding not to renew the domain name. I completed my first novel, Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice in 2021, which took a long time as it involved weaving in meaningful coincidences.
This kind of thing happens to me frequently - meaningful coincidences aka synchronicities. I find them fascinating. But them my analytical mind starts wondering if I'm getting manic again because they happened A LOT when I was in a mania episode - think something or hear it in a song then something would happen at the EXACT same time that fit it. So then I believed I could see the future. It felt very spiritual.
My brain is currently struggling to be organised enough to speak or write, so I will probably keep this short. Because I am exhausted and I have been getting breakthrough mania and mixed episode symptoms. And also because I am waiting for sedation to kick in enough for me to go back to sleep as emergency self-care.
I am no longer blogging or vlogging as a mental health and disability advocate. The politics of it is too toxic for me.