I spent most of my spare time today editing the captions for this video (after I finally figured out how to do it). I copied a transcript below. It shows that my communication has impairment. I was dissociating somewhat when recording the video, which affected my cognition, processing and verbal communication. It can be much worse.
People have confused my disabilities with autism. Trolls on social media targeted me mainly because I accept my diagnoses from my clinicians (bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder) and mild social anxiety disorder and no longer call myself autistic. I am mostly affected by PTSD in this particular video.
It takes me a long time to write and edit to try to be clear, so abusive trolls who accused me of being ableist were being ableist themselves.
Update: my psychologist said I was in a mixed episode in this video, with loose associations and difficulty with my cognition and speech (some slurring).
Hi, it's Xanthe here.
Um, I haven't made a video for a couple of months and
I won't make regular videos anymore. Oh it's so muggy.
Um, I just want to let people know that I'm okay.
I wasn't okay when I decided that I was going to end my um,
public mental health advocacy journey, um, because of the cyberbullying
and the stalking and harassment, um,
social media can be good for connection but it can also be toxic.
Um, I won't be making regular videos
just ah, basically wanted to let you know
that I'm still here um,
I did have some health concerns um,
because of my PTSD, bipolar all activated at once,
and um, it was the same symptoms as heart attack, um,
the cough that I had in the last videos where
it was the shortness of breath from extreme anxiety, um,
I have got two self-published books:
Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice [novel] and Bipolar Cringe [memoir].
I'm currently writing Bipolar Courage which is
about some of the behind behind-the-scenes uh connections,
during, that came
about because of the advocacy journey.
Um, so this one [Pet Purpose] is if you want an overall picture
of what bipolar and PTSD is like in a novel form.
It's very difficult because my brain doesn't work in sequence.
This one's [Bipolar Cringe] more raw. It was about a,
um, basically the disintegration of my marriage.
Um, and, the mania episode, uh,
that one, this one has a
lot of sexual content in it.
Ah, I got trolled real bad. The trolls went to this book, um [malicious book reviews].
The main reason I have been harassed so much is because, um,
my clinicians decided that, um, I don't meet enough criteria for autism. Um,
I also did not edit out that I used the words Aspergers
in that book [memoir], and the people that like to, um,
say that they're autistic as identity, ah, and they, ah,
disagree with me but they attack personally,
because I think self-diagnosis is unwise and that book is an example.
I ended up in
the psychiatric unit. I was very unwell,
um, calling calling myself autistic, and I do have traits in common. Um,
but in New Zealand they don't diagnose on traits.
Um, you need to have
impairment for disability, now,
and that's the WHO, a World Health Organization definition
you need impairment, so all these advocates are claiming
they have no impairments, it's their identity.
It's gotten out of control, ah, so anyway,
of disagreeing about things,
what they do is they make a character assassination.
I got called
so many names ah, by these um,
I'll just call them idiots, call them a name back but I got
called a bunch of names labels that they used to have me targeted, mob targeted
by a bunch
of strangers and they went on and on,
when they found out that I wasn't doing well they kept on going um,
they didn't care if they kill you, um
by suicide that's what they want.
They are [ f__ king]
abusive [ assholes ] and
this is the risk that you get if you do um, public mental health advocacy.
These clowns who try to claim that they're autistic,
attack people with mental health ah diagnoses and, um,
another thing that happened recently is
I had an assessment with a psychiatrist, um,
for ACC, ah, for ACC purposes, ACC's New Zealand scheme
that, um, for accident injury. PTSD is an injury, um,
so because there was a dispute with
the first psychiatrist that ACC assigned,
which I talked about recently.
First psychiatrist decided I
had 10 per cent whole body impairment.
Impairment is different from disability -
It's a whole other topic. Impairment
is at the tissue level so injury or
loss of function whereas disability is more social,
with the difference between what
you want to do what you can't do, um.
So they're two different things.
Now the first psychiatrist
said that I have 10 per cent whole body impairment.
Ah half, half um, bipolar, half PTSD. They only cover PTSD.
He tried to suggest autism again when they go back and
forth the clinicians, because it's not covered.
Basically in New Zealand. Nothing's done
with autism anyway, so what's the point and
um, the second psychiatrist is independent of ACC.
He assessed 32 percent whole body impairment - half bipolar, half PTSD.
Only PTSD is covered, so I meet the threshold,
through him, for a lump sum payout,
which is piddly assed compared to other countries, um so now
it is in review because of the differences.
So both psychiatrists acknowledge I have PTSD and bipolar 1.
differently the level of impairment.
Uh, it is very frustrating, very stressful, ah.
I will hear back in February,
so it would have taken about a year going through this very stressful process, so um,
that's after two years of therapy for PTSD.
It's considered now a disability
to be permanent and stable,
so um, I have fluctuations so that's one [sounds like contradiction but was having difficulty being clear]
of the reasons
why they [clinicians] ruled against autism,
is because I have fluctuations and it
varies, so um,
I dissociate quite a lot. I've been doing it a bit in this video,
anyway it's basically
permanent and stable now um,
It's not gonna change much.
Uh, this is an acquired injury, ah, I didn't, I've had it, some,
I've had PTSD since a young child but it got worse after more trauma
and the bipolar developed, um,
around my late teens early twenties,
uh, and got worse and worse and severe in my 40s,
so I'm 49 now um, so what was trying to say? Forgotten.
I have memory issues.
I actually went to university because I wanted to be a scientist.
I was doing really really well until my third year,
and then I had a breakdown from PTSD from memories
that I had blanked out for nearly 20 years.
15 years I've blanked them out, um,
I can't do maths in my head.
So I was 20 when I had the breakdown so it would have been 15 years.
Um, my memory, I can remember things
but I can't retrieve them when I want to now.
So I was a lab technician
for some years.
Ah, very repetitive type work.
I didn't know what's wrong with
me. I didn't graduate with my peers.
I struggled to finish. It took me five years
instead of three.
another severe breakdown requiring hospitalization.
Um, so anyway, um, it's kind of as good as
it's gonna get,
so I keep myself busy with my, um,
little creative projects.
I want to have more privacy because
putting myself out there,
and getting attacked by a whole bunch of strangers,
and even a whole bunch of idiots from my past, um,
on behalf of my ex.
I have been I was trolled
by them as well,
It's, it's, just not healthy, um,
I'm just pottering away.
I have difficulty
sequencing, so this book [Pet Purpose]
has spent years sequencing and editing it rewriting it etc.
This one's [Bipolar Cringe] very raw
and minimally edited.
Shows more what my brain was, is like jumping here and everywhere.
idiots who are complaining about the lack of plot - there is no plot.
It's [Bipolar Cringe] a memoir about
an event of why I changed my name,
and this one [Pet Purpose] being this one's got the plot.
books big picture, a particular snippet of time and
my brain jumps around so all these people preaching, um,
inclusivity, acceptance of those who have different brains are a bunch of [ f__ king] hypocrites
because, um, they don't do that at all
so anyway, um, probably won't hear much from me.
I've deleted my Twitter because there was connection in some hand and toxic on the other,
from all the abuse and mob abuse and the lies. Um.
I am just working away quietly on my book memoir
and then I'll get back to trying to
which will probably be very difficult
trying to do the sequel novel.
I find memoir writing a bit easier but the difficulty is
for people to try and follow me because my brain
jumps around but that's how my brain works and
these strangers they're mad at me because I won't label it autism.
Perhaps I wonder, um, the reason that they,
oh, sweating because it's so hot in here
with the window shut, um,
I think part of the reason why they are so keen to label
the way I am autism, is because if I'm not
then maybe they aren't.
One of them that was the
most abusive actually said
she has bipolar in her family. Well guess what?
family so does bipolar.
So anyway, thank you.
Xanthe finds creative expression including writing and painting to be therapeutic and helps her to manage her diagnoses of bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).