End on a high - hypomania

I started this blog with a blog post about depression, when I was feeling depressed. Recently, I've been in a hypomania episode and getting some things done for a change. Hypomania is elevated mood that isn't as intense as mania.

With the surge of energy, I made a resource on mania, using records in different formats to show aspects of what it's like. Decided to do this after going through some digital files and I found a mania video from 2017 that I didn't think I'd uploaded yet (but have now, as the final video for Bipolar Courage, even though it's a bit cringe, and an online friend said 'scary' to see me that disinhibited and the opposite of how I usually am).

Made this (hypomania) from an artwork I did when in a mania episode.

One of the reasons I am critical of neurodiversity ideology is that I used to say the same kinds of things. It's even in the video. But things have become way more extreme since, with non-stop drama and mob cyberbullying. Anyway, I don't want to dwell on that, as I am leaving advocacy behind as I move over to greener pastures (my creative expression beyond advocacy).

My advocacy journey has been 15 years in total, which only in recent years I put under the banner of Bipolar Courage. I managed to do a bit of work on my memoir, Bipolar Courage, recently. I want to do the best job I can with it, hence taking my time. 

My advocacy has spanned mental health, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, trauma, autism spectrum and even immigration. I guess it was a bit of a highlight having some of the immigration advocacy work I have done recognised by world leaders from two countries. Not by name personally but by name of advocacy group I founded and am no longer a part of. I have never accepted donations for my advocacy. I think there can be a conflict in interest when advocates do.

I was intending to just make a blog post with a cut and paste from a resource I prepared about perspectives of bipolar mania. But now I've gone off on a tangent with this blog post introduction being longer than I intended.

Going off on tangents is classic bipolar. Often confused with ADHD.

The more elevated the mood, the more frequent the tangents and the faster the thoughts. It can result in an increase in anxiety.

The issue when I write, that I have to try and focus it but it can still be helpful to get it out. Although generally, I find painting to be more relaxing than writing as painting is meditative for me, usually. Stimulating and relaxing at the same time (as long as I am not trying to make something perfect).

Anyway, it might be best to start a new post for the cut and paste from the mania resource I prepared. So instead, I will finish off this blog post with a list of some indicators of bipolar hypomania vs mania, for me. These may or may not be similar for other people with bipolar disorder and there can be overlap. Mine are influenced by my PTSD (yes still have it despite treatment) and autism spectrum features.

Synchronicity (acrylics on canvas), done during a mania episode

bipolar Hypomania

• big increase in energy and productivity
• huge increase in wellbeing
• at times, increase in anxiety (that spoils it)
• some household cleaning actually gets done, for a change, in a whirlwind of efficiency
• tackle some challenging projects that I usually avoid (such as cleaning out digital files) 
• seem more 'normal' to others - may interact socially instead of completely hibernating
• be able to hyperfocus for hours on a project (makes a change from being unable to focus)
• excess energy (walking with music, dance-walking helps)
• think faster and see more links and connections and patterns in thinks than usual
• increase in creativity and desire to do art but can defer until later
• need to move more (dancing can usually discharge the energy)
• appetite and sleep may decrease
• may have an increase in libido (usually non-existent, especially on meds)
• post excessively on social media, yet still sound coherent
• other people are attracted to the energy of hypomania
• am able to keep doing my part-time job
• intense emotion with music including joy
• is still manageable and mostly and internal experience
• people will compliment me and say I look 'beautiful', 'attractive' and 'glowing' (without makeup)
• can do what others find to be pleasing art
• more daring but still in the realms of socially acceptable behaviours
• in the upper end of a hypomania episode, will start to have some features of mania
• more likely to be seen as 'inspiring'
• will have more judgement about whether something needs to be destroyed, discarded, given away. Find it to be therapeutic.
• extreme long-term memory for some things but more forgetful about everyday things (like where parked the car)
• music can be great to process to. Will do hand dances to discharge energy and to express
• will go from hardly spending money to impulse buying things that don't usually need and may not use much, but not seen as odd, as just stuff others buy (nail polish, makeup, cheap jewellery) based on symbolism of colours, names.
• can come across as flirtateous (even when just talking on video, apparently)
• more likely to wear clothing that shows my figure and even wear a dress (instead of my usual comfy baggy clothes, not dresses)
• will be daring enough to talk about topics like masturbation
• talk faster, sound extra enthusiastic but am still understandable to others
• swear more
• impairment is more subtle but may come out in less organised writing, multiple typos (yes I have fixed numerous typos), swapping words that are similar or even opposite, poor grammar
• seen as colourful, creative, spirited, passionate and funny
• can be very creative with cooking, photography, music, art etc.
• can cope with some multitasking tasks and complex tasks with a lot of information (only during episodes)
• amused by drama, when usually avoid it like the plague
• may deal with conflict when usually conflict-avoidant
• peope want to be my friend, some hoping for something more (sexual, romantic relationship)
• 'gifted' writer, won a major prize for writing, several accolades
• visionary and see purpose with meaningful projects

​

bipolar mania

• all of the features of hypomania, only way more intense plus:
• increased risk-taking, this includes sexually, relationships
• spending on stuff that don't need and can't really afford
• talking really fast (pressure of speech)
• changing direction in speech so rapidly that no one can follow (flight of ideas)
• mixing words up (word salad) in speech and writing
• hardly any sleep (like only 2 hours or less and still have energy)
• extreme energy (I have had seizures from the extreme energy)
• feel an internal pressure to keep moving or talking
• can turn the anxious energy into euphoria in an instant with movement to upbeat music
• impaired judgement, especially about personal safety and wellbeing
• do or say things that are the polar opposite to what usually would say, believe, do
• completely blank things out (tied in with trauma)
• exercise way more than usual and not feel tired
• forget to eat or lose appetite
• experience 'hypersexuality' (extremely high libido)
• struggle to put a sentence together (cognition becomes more impaired)
• become even more forgetful than usual
• feel euphoric (way more intense than joy)
• feel extremely irritable, in a surge (tied in with PTSD)
• drive faster than usual & not actually be able to safely drive anymore
• an extreme urge to destroy symbolic objects (including own art). Immense release from this.
• can block out pain more than usual (very high pain threshold)
• compelled to create to relieve anxiety (visual arts is easier on the brain than writing
• when anxiety kicks in, an increase in anxiety, which can result in increased muscles tension
• more at risk of PTSD being triggered
• start to have delusions, such as believing one has special powers
• generally getting on everyone's nerves, so much so that rejected
• feel emotions more intensely - so intensely that it freaks others out
• notice symbolism in music to the extreme and believe there is a spiritual significance
• may deny that has bipolar disorder and be more likely to stop meds
• destroy own art and symbolic objects (sledgehammers to qualifications, for example)
• be creative in daring ways (lingerie dance on social media, anyone? A stranger dared me to and I thought that was a great idea at the time)
• be at extreme risk for a life-threatening mood crash
• fidget non-stop (to try discharge the excess energy)
• post apparent nonsense on social media (it's not actually nonsense, its just that others don't understand the context - processing memories linked to trauma etc)
• paint until sunrise, and dance-paint, despite sedation from meds (the painting, Synchronicity, above was an example)
• listen to music on loops and feel far more intensely than usual & that music has been chosen for me
• attracted to danger (includes people with a danger factor)
• seem and feel overconfident but is actually very vulnerable (especially by those wanting to take advantage of me)
• dance in the streets and in the supermarket
• incredibly intense orgasms (after no interest in sex at all)
• looks like high on drugs (apparently mania is similar to methamphetamines)
• will speak faster, louder, urgently trying to be heard and understood, yet become frustrated as no one can make out what saying anymore
• is very obvious to everyone that something is out of character & will shun you (some will use you first)
• will be told I am 'sexy' (which is kinda funny as I consider myself to be 'asexual')
• off the scale sensuality (which others read as 'sexy')
• want to sniff lots of perfumes (even though don't usually wear perfume because of sensory sensitivities)
• very impulsive, combined with the extreme risktaking. Like getting on a bus and meeting some stranger who could have left me in a ditch and no one would have known
• invent odd rituals that have spiritual significance to try eliminate evil spirits (that don't usually believe in)
• super interested in spirituality and religion when usually atheist
• will become extremely irritated at something small and annoying, like a fly
• have an extreme urge to do art to relieve anxiety and to process the trauma that I had avoided (music helped)
• talk so fast that run words together, slur speech
• will do art that is messy, intense and very unconventional, that some find to be disturbing, weird, scary (it's actually my 'secret' language to express with less judgement than trying to write).
• definitely socially unacceptable and unaccepted by society
• may look calm on the outside (with shutdown from PTSD), yet can destroy objects with incredible force (I smashed a once-treasured ornament that I had designed, with a hammer, dozens of blows). Reason I filmed was I was curious at how I looked on outside may not match how I felt on the inside
• will do unconventional things like dance on social media with a sex toy
• will be accused of being an 'attention-seeker' a 'narcissist' by people online
• have been told by men that I am 'sexy' and 'crazy' (amusing thing is I don't see myself as 'sexy')
• will have powerful men (included doctor, lawyer, police officer) interested in me. Or rather 'Randy' the manic alter ego, as 'mania' is so different to how I usually am 
• men expect me to be their fantasy. Of course, I can't maintain this, as after the episode is over, I'm usually not interested
• swear a lot, including words that others regard as offensive and shocking
• impairment is obvious (very vulnernable to be taken advantage of)
• seen as dangerous, 'demon-possessed', obsessive
• unable to work - unable to do basic tasks and interact socially in an acceptable way
• not safe to drive - too impaired
• seem edgy with an attitude
• unable to focus on ordinary things, at all as mind too busy with a gazillions thoughts at once
• at high risk of psychosis (resulting from the extreme mood worsened by sleep deprivation and stress)
• very busy but not productive in a way that is considered to be useful to others (ie employment)
• unable to handle the basic multitasking to prepare even a simple meal
• extremely poor grammar etc, lose capacity to use words in a way that is understood
• unable to string a coherent sentence together (brain racing too fast & too disorganised)
• may feel hot and sweat more than usual
• so visionary that see visions
• jump back and forth
• will repeat self
• extreme short-term memory impairment
• unable to get dressed or shower as compelled to create
• 'ridiculous goals' are dismissed by others. Even my psychiatrist was shocked I self-published a book and then another psychiatrist tried to use this fact against me to deny compensation
• I AM the drama. Others sense the energy and pick fights and I WILL FIGHT BACK.
• Multiple strangers (and some former friends) become OBSESSED with me (yeah, I have long-term trolls and stalkers)

​

between hypomania and mania

This video some colourful true storytelling. Upper end of hypermania for me, when people can still understand me (even though talking faster). Less of a filter and entertaining. Also wearing a dress (don't often wear a dress). Seeing symbolism in everything, which is what I use for my creative process. Most of the videos on my vlog show aspects of my diagnoses, despite treatment.

Mood between hypomania and mania

I have done a lot of trauma processing in elevated moods. This is my most prepared video on the vlog, as I had only one take of filming it. I decided to destroy my qualifications, as they had my old name on them (don't worry, I still have the academic transcripts).

Video was a mixture of trying to be prepared (with a brain that was struggling to be organised), yet is still improvised in the end. Can see the 'high' on music. It's actually creative storytelling. Felt intense for me.

Brain is tired

My brain is tired now and my meds are kicking in, so guess I didn't get to type up that copy and paste about the resource. I will make a note, that hopefully I will remember to look at, and try tomorrow. Sleep is my priority now.
​

on fire again

Day after starting this blog post: Added a few more things to the list plus some links to vidoes etc after a sleep (helped by meds adjustment). List was completely off the top of my head, based on my own experiences. Made the graphic 'I am the drama' today. Mood is between hypomania and mania. Still haven't showered or dressed yet (mid-afternoon), as I have been in another surge of hyperfocus.

I have significant disability that I deal with all the time but I feel I have harped on about it enough for now. Been trying to get to work but I am not sure if it's going to happen today. Put some easy cook food in the toaster oven (gluten-free chicken nuggets and chips) with a timer in case I forget. Will go have a shower now. Note, this blog post was added to, out of order.

Free bipolar mania resource

Free downloadable mania perspectives resource. The resource has extracts in different formats from a mania episode (when I was off meds, in denial). Speaking on video, writing, handwriting, journal extracts, what the psychiatrist wrote in my medical records.

After a but of self-care time (still need a lot more), I copied and pasted the mania perspectives resource into a blog post, so it's flowable (as EPUB files with images do strange things for me).

I have done this for educational purposes. I have refused offers of donations. Any of my public material (blog, vlog) may be used for educational purposes (please don't copy my work or charge people what I have provided for no charge). Can use any link from my website, blog, vlog with credit (Xanthe Wyse, Bipolar Courage).