harnessing the energy of bipolar hypomania

I originally wrote this blog post in December 2018. Reposting here as I won't be renewing the domain name on the other blog. I published my first novel, Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice in 2021.

It's now 8am. Alarm has gone off for me to take my morning meds. Usually I would crash back into a deep sleep. But currently I've been in hypomania and awake since 2am being productive with creative projects. I woke up early a few days ago and typed for 6 hours straight writing the first draft of the final chapter for my semiautobiographical novel, Pet Purpose. Usually I struggle to get out of bed before midday because of how bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and my medication affects me.

Just realised that I've had Keys to Imagination by Yanni stuck on repeat for over an hour. It's a fast paced instrumental piece. I put Yanni on because I realised that it the piano became a trauma trigger for me and I've worked out why. It's to do with sex and violence. Now I'm listening to Rain Must Fall which is my favourite. I haven't listened to piano or played for years because it was too upsetting for me and my mind would go blank and I couldn't 'remember' how to play even though I've played since I was a child.

I Sea Red by Xanthe Wyse

This morning, I've scribbled lots of links to include in Pet Purpose, wrote several pages in my journals, posted a few blog posts and even posted some of my paintings and the new blog post links on Twitter which I don't usually use.

I know now not to post anything on social media in mania - completely lunatic rantings of a person with a distorted perspective suffering and in pain but also feeling grandiose - cringeworthy to look back at and delete my Facebook posts. I still feel in control of it in hypomania though, which is an elevated energy for me but I am still in touch with reality.

I still get ups and downs on meds, just haven't had full mania and severe depression for over a year now. I get episodes of hypomania if I've been doing some processing for PTSD. I'm quite jittery like someone who has drunk several cups of coffee even though I don't drink coffee.

When the energy happens, I direct it into creative projects. Eventually I will crash, often with a migraine and sleep it off. I am not able to work regular hours yet because my waking and sleeping cycle is still so messed up and I usually lack energy. I enjoy the bursts of energy because I get things done.

At least I haven't had the big crashes for over a year by not going to full mania which is a tsunami of destruction (literally - I destroy stuff). If the hypomania continues for too long or starts to turn into full mania, I'll need to get some medical help, but for now I feel in control of it, like a surfer feeling confident riding a wave.

Currently I'm between the yellow creative and the red racing energy in my painting I Sea Red which represents how I cycle with bipolar 1 disorder and PTSD. The bigger the wave, the bigger more dangerous it is and the bigger the crash.​

Slowing things down

Called the mental health crisis team to ask about my meds because I'm in a constant state of high arousal in a fight or flight state as well as hypomanic like an Energiser bunny. They told me what I already knew, that I need to rest and sleep because my bipolar and PTSD activate each other and things can spin out of control quickly. I need to temporarily adjust my meds so that sedated and sleeping properly and in a calm state. Have been in this state after a massive trauma trigger recently.

Some things I have are pressure of speech, racing thoughts, very messy and big handwriting, racing doing everything, sweating excessively, extreme hypervigilance (on the alert for danger).