life not to Plan? Improvise

I'm not a detailed planner. Life doesn't work out to plan for me anyway. I prefer to improvise.

When I create art, I might have some vague ideas in my head and even do a quick miniature sketch but it always turns out differently to how I originally started. I like the freedom to improvise. To make things up as I go along. Creative expression helps me re-frame my life experiences.

Summer Romance by Xanthe Wyse

I recently started a painting of a beach. I was quite pleased with some of the rocks so decided to add some more along the beach near the middle of the painting. Only the rocks looked like dog poop. I think it may have happened because I felt annoyed that someone left their dog poop behind at the beach when I went for a swim earlier that day. That annoyance came out in my painting. Lots of subconscious themes come out in my paintings. I signed the painting, indicating that I was probably finished. I say probably, because often I go back and do a bit more. ​

Now all I could see was the 'poop' in what otherwise felt to me a tranquil, beautiful scene. It's a bit like that in life. Sometimes I've been distracted by the negative rather than the positive. It's one of the things that came up in therapy. For example, I often feel disgust and shame with sex, even though rationally, I view sex in a positive way. My feelings and thoughts about it don't match up because of a trauma of sexual abuse. 

In episodes of depression, I notice all the 'poop'. Sometimes I've had more than my fair share of poop in life. Most people will go through some pain and challenges in their lifetime. Living with a mood disorder, bipolar disorder has made things extra challenging. Then with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) on top of that, sometimes it has felt like I'm drowning in poop. 

I was tired and decided I would try again the following day. Courage can be getting out of bed, taking the risk and trying again.

I decided not to white out the poop rocks and try to paint the sand again as I felt happy with the sand. Although, I thought there was perhaps too much sand and that it looked a bit like a road, so I decided to add two fern fronds. It was my first attempt at painting ferns. It risky because I might further 'mess up' my painting, but I decided to take the risk. If I 'fail' I can put the painting aside and try again later. Or I can start afresh. The fern fronts 'framed' the poop rocks more.

I tried to paint the three poop rocks into one larger rock. Now the focus was on a rock near the middle of the painting. That still looked rather like poop. Then I saw an opportunity. The big rock started to look a bit like the shape of a boat. So I dabbed on more paint to shape the a row boat with oars sitting on the beach, perhaps about to go into the water. 

I added a few shapes to represent two people. Finally I felt happy with the painting. Like all my paintings, it was open to interpretation. I thought perhaps the two figures were children playing in the sunshine with out a care in the world?

Then I thought the people were adults who cared about each other chatting about their hopes and dreams. They might venture out into the water. Perhaps they were falling in love? I thought they perhaps they were developing a romantic relationship so I called the painting Romantic Summer.

The painting is a metaphor of two adults who have been through a heap of shitty situations, been stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place and then new love is blossoming and growth is taking place (symbolised by the fern fronds). I know the 'poop rocks' are still there in the underneath layers even though no-one can see them. Crap still happened in life. 

But we can improvise. To change our focus. To create something different. We can make the best of a crappy situation to make something beautiful. It takes risk and it takes courage. Painting takes courage. Living with bipolar disorder takes courage. But one thing I know I can do, is to inspire others with my words and my paintings. It makes a difference to my life and to others. It turns all the crap into something beautiful. It gives me a sense of purpose which helps keeps me moving forward.

​Xanthe