 Ataahua, acrylics on canvas by Xanthe Wyse In just over an hour, it will be 2022 in New Zealand. I have been jotting down some notes and preparing some photos over the past 4 hours with the aim to write a final blog post for the year (all improvised really).
I will upload a few pics I took today and write some text around them. It is very challenging for me to organise words into sentences, paragraphs etc. I have impairments with bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic disorder (PTSD), which affect my cognition and communication.
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I spent most of my spare time today editing the captions for this video (after I finally figured out how to do it). I copied a transcript below. It shows that my communication has impairment. I was dissociating somewhat when recording the video, which affected my cognition, processing and verbal communication. It can be much worse. People have confused my disabilities with autism. Trolls on social media targeted me mainly because I accept my diagnoses from my clinicians (bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder) and mild social anxiety disorder and no longer call myself autistic. I am mostly affected by PTSD in this particular video. It takes me a long time to write and edit to try to be clear, so abusive trolls who accused me of being ableist were being ableist themselves. Update: my psychologist said I was in a mixed episode in this video, with loose associations and difficulty with my cognition and speech (some slurring). When I was waking up this morning (in half-dream state), I remembered scenes from a movie I saw at least parts of when I was a child. A teenage baby sitter was watching it. I remembered the scene when a woman was in a shower that turned to blood and a brick like wall distorting then exploding. I knew the timing was around 1979 to 1981, leaning towards 1981. I remember standing in the doorway to the lounge, frozen and terrified.
I managed to find the movie, because other people were also scared seeing it as a child. It was This House Possessed, a TV movie from 1981. When I looked it up, I recognised the male actor (Parker Stevenson) was in the Hardy Boy TV series from 1977-1979. Apparently the female actor was also, but I didn't really recognise her in the same way I recognised Parker.
I recently published a memoir, Bipolar Cringe, about the hypersexuality at the end of a marriage (open in final year). Written, at the time, before I was diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I published it minimally edited so that it was still raw.
For the past few years, I have been subjected to targeted harassment because I no longer identify as autistic. When I wrote the memoir, I identified as Aspie/Aspergers and autistic. Social justice warriors on Twitter took offence over their identify politics and targeted my book with malicious reviews. This was part of a massive mob cyberbullying attack by strangers. The following screenshots are only a small sample of the abuse. This was one of the many insults, when I supported an autistic woman with different political views to the mob: 
Dogpiling is a form of cyberbullying, when a large number of accounts target one post or person. This can happen very easily on Twitter. It has happened to me many times, escalating because I decided to navigate back through the abusive crap to see where the sources of it were from. Usually, I would recommend on Twitter to lock up an account temporarily until the abusive accounts move on like a swarm of locusts. The image below has some of the names I was called by strangers because I didn't share the same identity politics. I screenshot and blocked an estimated 100 accounts in a short time (days). I am sitting on a cesspool of over 1000 screenshots related to the recent abuse, which has actually gone on for a few years.   I have been the target of a very aggressive cyberbullying campaign that has gone on for over two years, escalating recently when I called out some of the behaviour. It is over identity politics. These are only a few screenshots of accounts on Twitter who lied about me and harrassed me and called me the abuser, when they were abusing.
When my account was locked, I admitted to my followers that I had severe suicidal ideation. I have experienced this many times. I am diagnosed bioplar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder - all activated with the recent cyberbulling campaign. My admission of suicidal ideation was leaked and mocked by accounts I had blocked who were lying and gossiping about me. What it boiled down to, is that accounts claiming to be autistic were mad at me because I no longer call myself autistic. I originally wrote this blog post in December 2018. Have since had 2 years of weekly therapy a trauma psychologist. Transferred this blog post as not renewing the domain name. A lot of my processing for post-traumatic stress disorder was self-directed. I often have elevated moods (hypomania, mania) when processing intense themes.
I published my novel, Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice (about processing grief and trauma with bipolar disorder) in 2021. One reason it took so long (7 years) is that I needed recovery time as became elevated each time I worked on it and vice versa. I originally wrote this blog post in December 2018. Reposting here as I won't be renewing the domain name on the other blog. I published my first novel, Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice in 2021.
It's now 8am. Alarm has gone off for me to take my morning meds. Usually I would crash back into a deep sleep. But currently I've been in hypomania and awake since 2am being productive with creative projects. I woke up early a few days ago and typed for 6 hours straight writing the first draft of the final chapter for my semiautobiographical novel, Pet Purpose. Usually I struggle to get out of bed before midday because of how bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and my medication affects me. I originally wrote this blog post on a blog I will not be renewing the domain name for, so transferring to here. I have had weekly therapy with a trauma psychologist for 2 years now. I published my first novel, Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice in 2021.
Today I had a well overdue professional massage. Think it's been over a year since I had one last. If I could afford it, I'd have one every 1-2 weeks. There was a time when I would feel extremely anxious about any form of touch including kisses, hugs and sex. Or even someone standing too close to me. It still makes me feel anxious if there's any kind of conflict. I originally wrote this blog post in January 2019. Moved post to here as not renewing domain name for other blog. I am diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder.
It's very hard for me to cope with workplaces. Many times over, I have become anxious about someone else to the point of panic and then left (avoidance). I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder along with bipolar and PTSD. All these conditions affect my ability to keep a job. |
Xanthe WyseXanthe finds creative expression including writing and painting to be therapeutic and helps her to manage her diagnoses of bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Archives
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