I am diagnosed with the shutdown presentation of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), bipolar 1 disorder and mild social anxiety disorder, which multiple strangers online confuse with autism. I have had a lot of abuse online because I no longer call myself autistic, after assessment for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I have difficulty with communicating with words. Below is an extract of transcript from a recent video, when I was trying to speak, while dissociating (PTSD): Processing intense emotionThe video below was when I was in a mixed mood episode, having difficulty with my cognition and needing to process some intense emotion. It is very challenging for me to speak as my cognition is impaired, especially when I am dissociating. In the video (which split into two parts), I subconsciously fidgeted with a symbolic object (an egg made from paua shell). Some people call the repetitive movements 'stimming.' I mostly talked about the harrassment I had for not calling myself autistic and my opinion that self-diagnosis is unwise. All I knew going into recording video (fully improvised) was that I knew I needed to hold the egg. This helped ground me when I was dissociating, so I could keep speaking. It also helped ground me to express intense emotion, mainly anger, mostly as movement rather than as emotion. So I seemed relatively calm in the surface. My speaking is different from my writing in my books, as I can edit writing until I am happy with it. Below the video is just some of the video transcript, which shows how I go off on tangents and have trouble with fluent speech. The videos are captioned. The recording split, so the rest of the recording is at the end of this blog post. autism vs bipolar, PTSD - Video part 1selected transcript - Video part 1I find writing and speaking very very hard...um... because my mind dissociates or goes very fast or shuts down. I was, this is what I kind of want to talk about... for most of the time that I've been on Twitter, which I now deleted my account, um, I was harassed by people, because they kept insisting that I'm autistic I've talked about this a few times before, because the way that I seem to them meets what they say autism is the online version of the neurodiversity version. Now where was I going with this? I have been harassed so many times and then, if I express a different opinion it's like but anyway, um, what was I trying to say? See dissociating I do this and then Iose my train of thought... um... in my memoir but I don't wanna go into all the detail because it is ssso, um, traumatising but anyway these people they say that self-diagnosis is valid, and some of them probably would meet criteria for a diagnosis of some sort but the ones they want to go for are number 1. autism 2. ADHD. They're very stigmatised in their comments about bipolar. Um, the narrative is that females are misdiagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder, also called BPD, and must really be autistic instead. Now this narrative is dangerous because, um, I am diagnosed, I'm just going off another tangent here. I'm diagnosed by clinicians, psychologists and psychiatrists, cross-discipline, actually two countries because I had a breakdown in Australia before I came back to New Zealand. I didn't "doctor shop". These, idiots, said, that doctor-shopped two countries, [sigh] you don't doctor shop when you end up in a psych ward, you just get what you're given, and, I fidget with things to help ground me to keep me here because when I'm getting triggered [slap sounds - egg ornament against palm of hand] my mind goes to go off away. [louder slapping] and I'm also underneath it all angry about this [louder slapping]. This is anger for me [intense, controlled voice, slap sounds]. It was a really rough ride finding, what helped me, they don't cure bipolar, they only help manage it. [slapping egg] What they do is they try and say, 'oh no, you don't have bipolar, you're misdiagnosed you're really autistic' guess what they do for autism assessed in New Zealand, here and other places, absolutely diddly squat, because the narrative has been, that 'oh, it's no different from like homosexuality' is the comparison. 'It is an identity - it is just how you were born' so that does not help people who do... have... impairment in New Zealand my clinicians said that you don't get [harder slapping] diagnosed without impairment. Which makes sense, because if you go on traits only everyone on the freaking planet would be diagnosed with something which then makes it completely meaningless watering it down for people who do suffer. [intense pain emotion] For people that do need assistance, financially, whatever. Okay? So these quirksters really piss me off. Blame it on one society. Now, where is I going? Okay, trying to get back to this [slap quieter] When I feel anger by the way I don't usually feel it strongly as emotion. They'll say 'oh but that's autism'. It's actually my PTSD. People were confusing my autis- with autism P.. PTSD. 'Oh you don't have eye contact with the camera,' um, they've decided that;s social anxiety mostly it's also my PTSD this is a paua shell egg that I painted with nail polish I get, mood episodes with bipolar, [sigh] and it's nearly always set off by PTSD. Um. [calmer] It's only sometimes I, I experience intense emotion. Usually in mood episodes. Most of the time my emotions shut down cause so triggering it's hard for me to process stuff so that's why I do it creatively with my painting etc even cutting stuff up My clinicians, my psychologist have talked to her several times she's seen me for every two years, weekly trauma expert, plus I was diagnosed PTSD by another psychologist who sent me to the trauma one, she did the ASD assessment Autism Spectrum Disorder, she said I have traits but I don't meet the full criteria and now I understand it I agree okay so, so I'm considered to have subclinical traits of both autism and ADHD but [sigh] my psychologist said there's no need to diagnose on that because it's not, it's kind of, it's not impacting me, it's not the priority. My diagnosis are bipolar 1, which has full mania, the whole ff-th-th- full, I've had the full mood spectrum mania, hypomania, moderate depression, severe depression and mixed when you have a mixture Plus PTSD, shutdown presentation mainly avoidance shutdown, off on tangents that's your bipolar for you. My videos [slurring] is that one of the reasons I made them was you can see it with your own freaking eyes Despite me having therapy, despite being on meds. Where is I going with this? Now, guess what? I kept thinking I was autistic and I was like shocked I had the bipolar diagnosis, I rejected it at least three times, from different clinicians, and didn't seek these clinicians out, they just happened to see me when I was manic or something and suggest bipolar, and when I had that ASD assessment, they don't just say, uh, 'let's look at ASD', if they're doing a proper thorough one, which was six hours, rather than over several weeks to see me with different moods, rather than one of these quick jobs that a lot of people are getting these days. [thump egg dropped carpet]. She said, 'no PTSD, bipolar', yep she confirms what the psychiatrist said in two countries bipolar 1. Formally diagnosed with PTSD. I did suspect that I had PTSD and she said social anxiety disorder explains the childhood stuff like not speaking and or the PTSD it's a combination. They other psychologist 20 years experience and trauma agrees with her. Selected transcript - Video Part 2one of the reasons I got a lot of abuse because I.. I don't agree that's self-diagnosis is valid I don't know if I said that right, one I don't see self-diagnosis as valid I think one can self-suspect. I think that's okay I suspected I had PTSD. I didn't ask for a diagnosis for it, I was given it. I suspected I had, They don't call it oh Asperger's anymore they they've made it Autism Spectrum Disorder. I suspected that. Um. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong. The clinician needs to confirm it. There's nothing wrong with saying you suspect something and feeling like you identify with others, you know if it helps you. This one [painting], um, is, oh what have I called it I've forgotten what I call my paintings. Flying. 'Learning to Fly,' that's what of course, so flying was a very big theme of mine, to do with learning to manage the highs, and manage to the crashes, without being so devastating, self-diagnosis - video part 2
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Xanthe WyseI am no longer blogging or vlogging as a mental health and disability advocate. The politics of it is too toxic for me. Archives
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