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What is Bipolar Mania with trauma Like?

10/5/2019

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Today I burned 15 journals I'd filled during a bipolar mania episode nearly two years ago. I flicked through them and condensed the essence of the journals into one page of some of what mania with trauma was like. I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and they amplify each other. I was back on medications but it took MONTHS to try to get the mania under control. I've summarised some of what it was like below, based on skim-reading the journals before I burned them:
Picture
Crashing by Xanthe Wyse
  • very messy, barely legible, big writing, usually in bright colours like felt-tip pens or a bright pink vivid marker
  • chaotic, unable to organise (other than numerous mind-maps)
  • felt vulnerable with not being able to function
  • saw symbolism in everything - colours, numbers, names, words, dates, songs, pets
  • lots of anxiety - hospitalised for it
  • flooded with traumatic memories (deaths etc)
  • patterns and associations - mind maps was the most efficient way to get it out with my mind racing
  • mind racing too fast to write legibly, hence the very messy handwriting
  • felt very spiritual at times, even superstitious
  • lots of colour - vibrant, supersaturated colour in my thinking and in expression in art and writing
  • wrote that I want to 'break free' and 'let go' (of pain and trauma)
  • at times body parts would ache - eg when 'crashing' or in a 'mixed episode' (aspects of mania and depression at the same time)
  • belief that I could see the future because of all the patterns that seemed like more than a coincidence
  • high sexual energy when manic, low when depressed
  • very high frantic energy - wrote that it was like 12,000 Volts in a fast scribble
  • brain racing very fast like music played extra fast
  • big 'dreams' and grandiose thinking - going to be a successful author etc
  • felt 'alive' with intense emotions
  • medications at first made me alternate between mania and crashing into depression
  • craved and indulged in ice-cream when crashing - felt like my brain was burning up
  • felt extremely creative yet too disorganised to execute it - too many ideas to carry out
  • inspiration for some of my abstract, symbolic artworks (that only I know the meaning of)
  • at times angry - tended to scribble anger in red pen
  • felt inspired and purposeful
  • music feels intense, beautiful, spiritual and inspiring
  • on some combinations of medications, felt like 'go-go-go' like an Energiser Bunny
  • side effects from medications - sedated, drowsy, 'drunk', 'stoned', crying, aching
  • trauma memories a recurring theme - trying to process
  • flight of ideas - I understood it but no-one else would have been able to make out what I was writing about - felt a bit like I was writing in 'code'
  • would have looked like complete nonsense to others, but I kept the journals for a while to 'analyse' my thinking and make sense of the trauma - has been part of my processing
  • numerous metaphors. Some of which I want to paint (fire, rose, sea, waterfalls)
  • extreme need to write, draw and paint excessively - to 'download' some of what was racing through my mind. Painting helped calm my mind in the chaos - 'Crashing' was one of the paintings I did during this time.
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    Picture

    Xanthe Wyse

    Xanthe finds creative expression including writing and painting to be therapeutic and helps her to manage her diagnoses of bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

    Creative projects give Xanthe a sense of meaning and purpose despite the challenges.

    She has also advocated as a vulnerable person, for vulnerable people for several years.

    Comments are welcome but no personal attacks nor attacks on others.

    Xanthe's opinions and personal experiences are no substitute for independent professional advice.

    Image is fan art.

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