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What is Bipolar Mania with trauma Like?

10/5/2019

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Today I burned 15 journals I'd filled during a bipolar mania episode nearly two years ago. I flicked through them and condensed the essence of the journals into one page of some of what mania with trauma was like. I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and they amplify each other. I was back on medications but it took MONTHS to try to get the mania under control. I've summarised some of what it was like below, based on skim-reading the journals before I burned them:
Picture
Crashing by Xanthe Wyse
  • very messy, barely legible, big writing, usually in bright colours like felt-tip pens or a bright pink vivid marker
  • chaotic, unable to organise (other than numerous mind-maps)
  • felt vulnerable with not being able to function
  • saw symbolism in everything - colours, numbers, names, words, dates, songs, pets
  • lots of anxiety - hospitalised for it
  • flooded with traumatic memories (deaths etc)
  • patterns and associations - mind maps was the most efficient way to get it out with my mind racing
  • mind racing too fast to write legibly, hence the very messy handwriting
  • felt very spiritual at times, even superstitious
  • lots of colour - vibrant, supersaturated colour in my thinking and in expression in art and writing
  • wrote that I want to 'break free' and 'let go' (of pain and trauma)
  • at times body parts would ache - eg when 'crashing' or in a 'mixed episode' (aspects of mania and depression at the same time)
  • belief that I could see the future because of all the patterns that seemed like more than a coincidence
  • high sexual energy when manic, low when depressed
  • very high frantic energy - wrote that it was like 12,000 Volts in a fast scribble
  • brain racing very fast like music played extra fast
  • big 'dreams' and grandiose thinking - going to be a successful author etc
  • felt 'alive' with intense emotions
  • medications at first made me alternate between mania and crashing into depression
  • craved and indulged in ice-cream when crashing - felt like my brain was burning up
  • felt extremely creative yet too disorganised to execute it - too many ideas to carry out
  • inspiration for some of my abstract, symbolic artworks (that only I know the meaning of)
  • at times angry - tended to scribble anger in red pen
  • felt inspired and purposeful
  • music feels intense, beautiful, spiritual and inspiring
  • on some combinations of medications, felt like 'go-go-go' like an Energiser Bunny
  • side effects from medications - sedated, drowsy, 'drunk', 'stoned', crying, aching
  • trauma memories a recurring theme - trying to process
  • flight of ideas - I understood it but no-one else would have been able to make out what I was writing about - felt a bit like I was writing in 'code'
  • would have looked like complete nonsense to others, but I kept the journals for a while to 'analyse' my thinking and make sense of the trauma - has been part of my processing
  • numerous metaphors. Some of which I want to paint (fire, rose, sea, waterfalls)
  • extreme need to write, draw and paint excessively - to 'download' some of what was racing through my mind. Painting helped calm my mind in the chaos - 'Crashing' was one of the paintings I did during this time.
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    Picture

    Xanthe Wyse

    I am no longer blogging or vlogging as a mental health and disability advocate. The politics of it is too toxic for me.

    I will blog occasionally about some of my interests (art, writing etc) beyond advocacy on my other blog at Soar Purpose. 

    See you there!

    No. 1 bad-ass.
    After all, my medical records say 'BAD1' for bipolar affective disorder type 1.

    Also diagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

    Clinically significant autism spectrum features since childhood (PDD-NOS).

    Creative. Like to paint and write. Self-published a few books based on personal experiences.
    ​
    Comments are welcome but no personal attacks nor attacks on others.

    Opinions and personal experiences are no substitute for independent professional advice.

    Image is fan art from when I was a bipolar warrior and a renegade fighter.

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