why I have trust issues. Abuse.

I am diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar 1 disorder (which has mania, hypomania, mixed features, depression and mood crashes) with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I have been in treatment for PTSD for 2 years. I self-advocate as a vulnerable person and survivor and also for the vulnerable. I have trust issues after betrayal from friends and my ex-husband. I have recently found out what some of the lies are against me in a pile of abuse.

It has been a very rough week. I was shaking when I was dead named by a former friend, who spread lies on my vlog on You Tube and then on Twitter. Called a liar, abuser, accused of self-diagnosing (who the hell would self-diagnose with bipolar?) and actress etc. Yes, I am an actress. I am an expert at acting like I am okay when I am not. Two flying monkeys on behalf of my ex had no issue using their real names and making attacks, accusing me of being a liar, professional victim and a narcissist. They have no shame making a vulnerable person into a scapegoat for their blame and lies.

Here are just some of the lies I found out this week with the attacks:

LIE: that I am self-diagnosed or making up my diagnoses.
TRUTH: I am diagnosed by psychiatrists in Australia and New Zealand and psychologists in New Zealand, two countries, cross-discipline. Also diagnosed with social anxiety disoder, which gets overridden temporarily when my mood is elevated. Clinicians acknowledged autistic traits, although decided that the other diagnoses fit better.

LIE: that I forced my ex-husband into an open marriage and introduced him to his new wife and insisted on the encounter with the couple where I was sexually assaulted. That I did this to have flings.
TRUTH: I had been monogamous in only one relationship for 20 years. We mutually agreed to an open marriage, because otherwise he said he would cheat. He'd found the new wife (already married, a swinger, who strangely enough was also was having sexual encounters with his boss). He insisted on the couple and refuses to acknowledge the assault. I dissociated fully and was not participating. I changed my name because it became a trauma trigger after the other event where I dissociated again fully when he raged at me. I am called a liar by his friends.

LIE: I paid $500 for my business award.
TRUTH: I paid nothing for my business award. Is a prestigious award voted by clients. I also won $500 and a trip to Sydney for an essay about mental health.

LIE: I am a good actress and faking my diagnoses.
TRUTH: I am a good actress in that I hide how severely I am affected - the depression, the suicidal ideation, the psychological distress.

LIE: That I changed my name to escape debt to Centrelink (benefits office in Australia).
TRUTH: I changed my name because my former name became a trauma trigger with PTSD (sexual assault trauma). 

LIE: I 'dragged my ex through the mud trying to get an AVO' (domestic violence order).
TRUTH: I was awarded legal aid and the lawyer instructed me to take out an AVO for domestic violence. I was traumatised. Then I had a breakdown, was in hospital (which is why I didn't turn up to court, so dismissed) and had no choice but to return to New Zealand. I lost the legal aid as soon as I left Australia.

LIE: That I screamed at my ex and he told me to shut up, which is the reason for the AVO.
TRUTH: He charged at me in a rage, and I dissociated fully as was afraid he was going to kill me. A lawyer said his behaviour was domestic violence and that domestic violence does not always include hitting. His other behaviours, including intimidation to make me feel afraid were domestic violence. Then, when he found out I applied for the AVO, he smashed the lizard house in a rage in front of me with a hammer. I was triggered by the sound of hammers after that.

LIE: I just left
TRUTH: I was bullied out of my own home and the other woman was already moving in before I was out. I was very vulnerable as a traumatised person, and bullied until I have a breakdown. The other woman moved in fully when I was in hospital. Then I was homeless, could not get emergency financial in Australia as I am a New Zealand citizen. I could not take my son, as I would face child abduction charges under the Hague Convention.

LIE: I am just out for revenge
TRUTH: I am making myself a purpose to stay alive. Doing this with my independent advocacy about bipolar disorder and PTSD and the permanent disability from complex trauma. What helps me manage this. I have been lied about so much, I have a right to counter the lies with the truth. I am very consistent. The abusers have made my ex out to be a victim and me to be an abuser. 

Most of the recent abuse was mainly by one individual, someone I thought had been my friend and sold my pet sitting business to for a low price. Incredibly, she saw me when I had a breakdown, when I was in hospital for two months, yet turned on me and has been nasty since. The breakdown was triggered by a domestic violence hearing. I didn't go to court as was in hospital instead. I lost everything as I lost the legal aid I was granted when I had no choice but to leave Australia.

Yet, I am accused of being the abuser, for saying how I have been affected by trauma. I am permanently disabled. I am told that I don't want to heal. Gaslighting, abuse, attacks and lies.  I've been accused of being an 'attention-seeker', 'narcissist', 'professional victim', 'actress,' 'pathological liar,' 'crazy', 

Part of the first of many abusive messages by Julie Grafton (Julz), who now owns Home Petz, the business I started. She has regurgitated gossip, lies. I was shaking when I read my dead name unexpectedly. I have been blamed for the trauma. The story has been twisted to say that I forced my ex into an open marriage, claiming the reason was so I could have 'flings' and that my 'downfall' was my own doing.

​She was not there for any of this which is all cooked up lies. She turned on me when I told her the reason I had the breakdown. The domestic violence hearing was too triggering. It was PTSD and bipolar, she saw me in hospital and then turned on me and now calls me a liar. When I was in hospital, she was abusive to me also. I have not been believed about the abuse in the final year of my marriage. 

After she left a lot of ranting messages, and I blocked her, she went to Twitter, where she continued to rant abuse and gossip and lie. She also projected a lot - calling me a liar, attention-seeker, getting revenge - what she was doing.​

Gossiping about me and referring to me as 'IT'

After three dozen Tweets attacking me, she blocked and then gossiped to another troll, who will at least acknowledge that my mania was not acting. My 'acting' is trying to hide how severely I am in pain and how much I am affected by the abuse. I go manic as a response to escape the pain temporarily which then is always followed by a crash, with distress and suicidal ideation. 

More lies and victim blaming. I am clinically diagnosed and I am permanently disabled, even after meds and therapy. Do we blame those who lose limbs in an accident for not wanting to heal? How is PTSD any different? I have complex trauma and after 2 years of therapy, I am still permanently disabled. This is acknowledged by clinicians.

This was over when my ex got a lawyer to threaten not to send my son after his ticket was booked for a rare visit. It was because I had started my advocacy work about bipolar and trauma and had admitted what suicidal ideation is like. My ex admitted that it was game-playing.

Abuse from my ex-sister-in-law as well. Also in denial about how I was traumatised in the final year of the marriage. The only time I had previously heard from her, was when she left a pile of abusive messages on the answerphone for me. I am separated from my son by country - not by my choice. 

More abuse, gaslighting, projection. My psychologist supports my vlogging and wants me to have a voice and also be safe from the abuse, as a vulnerable person.

This woman gas-lit me a lot. She was gossiping about me publicly with Julz. Yes, I have permanent disability with a severe clinical presentation from complex trauma (rapid-cycling bipolar 1 disorder plus 2 sexual assault traumas). But, it's blamed on me. Do we blame people for having severe asthma, needing hospitalisation, because their airways react? These people make a game of deliberately triggering PTSD, then saying it's not PTSD. 

I go 'high' with the triggers and then crash. This is the crash in the early hours of the morning over the targeted abuse and lies. It is accompanied by suicidal ideation. But I am determined and will not gives this group who target me the satisfaction. The abuse is to try intimidate me into silence. I'm sure they would be smug if I had another breakdown or worse.

This woman has contact with my son. At least, she is getting my name right now, after all the abuse and lies. My legal name now is Xanthe Wyse. 

I do my advocacy publicly, as I have had private conversations screenshot to gossip about and backstab for some kind of sick entertainment. I have not named my ex. The flying monkeys acting for him have outed themselves. I am sure they will celebrate if I have another breakdown or worse. I've had suicical ideation with all the stress from the abuse.

I will rarely confide in anyone privately. The very private stuff, I save for my psychologist. My psychologist supports my advocacy, and many people have thanked me and said I live up to my vlogging name, Bipolar Courage. will be releasing a memoir that I wrote in the final year of my marriage, soon. It is called Bipolar Cringe.

I cried when read this message today from another person with bipolar disorder. I have had suicidal ideation as a result of the orchestrated abuse but I am determined not to give the abusers this satisfaction. My advocacy is valued by those who are also vulnerable.

I read out this blog post (please excuse the errors with grammar/spelling etc) but very fragile right now with a mood crash triggered by the recent orchestrated abuse. Recorded as 2 videos. So you could see how I am as I processed what I had written. I got triggered reading it. Intense processing. I will not hide these abusers as they out themselves publicly. The truth will prevail. This is how vulnerable people are treated in society.

"It takes courage to live with bipolar yet bipolar has given me courage". Xanthe Wyse.